Building a circle of support

For anyone who has been following along – I’ve been owning my issues and trying to deal with the return of the black cloud of anxiety. It was unwelcome and yet took up residence after a little freak visit to the Women’s and Children’s hospital for myself and Master 5 years at the beginning of June.

I’ve had an outpouring of support – which is a pleasant surprise but statistically probable. We know that 1 in 3 women will experience an episode of anxiety in their lifetime. Many women have been speaking with me about their own anxiety, times when it has reared its ugly head the worst (postnatally, and after crisis most prominently!) and the ways they manage. The local knowledge they have shared is 100% the thing that is most helpful: professionals people have seen, who they liked, what the waiting times are like for appointments. And other info, like what to do in a crisis – who to speak to at the medical centre versus going to the hospital; the value of online or skype counsellors versus a local face to face appointment.

For all these conversations I am thankful!

And for all the conversations that have also led to the lending of books, practical support like meals, wine, boxes of chocolate, open kitchens with coffee and tea and an ear to listen, a push back into exercise or writing or doing something positive: these are the little things that all add up to a life lived in the embrace of community support.

But it does start with owning it. I have to say the words:

“I’m struggling. I’m seeing my Doctor. I’m seeing a new psychologist.”

 People are not mind readers and they really do respect your privacy – if they don’t know what’s going on for you, they can not help you.

I’m new to my country town and that can be an isolating experience. It also means that I left behind (in the easily accessible sense) many of my best face to face, friend to friend and professional supports.

Whether you are starting all over due to a geographical relocation, or after a relationship breakup or breakdown: there are many times in life when you might need to re-build your circle of support. Here are my reflections on what building a circle of support looks like.

Step one: Talk to your Doctor. Be brave and let them know you are struggling. Sometimes just talking to your GP can be enough to break the cycle of silent suffering. Don’t have a GP? That’s where I was! Ask around for good recommendations, and be brave and make an appointment. It takes huge amounts of emotional energy making new relationships with professional support but it’s worth it in the long run. Book the appointment. Tell someone you’re doing it so you don’t wig out. And take someone with if you want a support person. It’s your appointment – so make it work for you!

Step two: Try people out. Your doctor will have some suggestions. You don’t have to agree with everything they say. But try people out. See if you have an easy connection or feel safe with different supports – and think holistically: you might need a few different approaches working together depending on what’s going on for you. I’ve gathered a physio, chiropractor, remedial massage therapist, gp and psychologist. I’m still waiting on an appointment with a female counsellor. I’ve connected with people about essential oils, exercise regimes, and meditation and mindfulness. You can’t do everything at once – but you can try out different strategies one at a time and over a few weeks track any positive (or negative) outcomes and progress. Keep talking to your doctor about what you’re trying and what’s working!

Step three: Simultaneously with steps 1 and 2 make sure that you tell people what is happening. Start with your partner or mum (or a safe person you trust). Even this can be a big deal to say the words out loud about what you are working on. When you tell the person or people – watch for their response. Are they safe and helpful? Are they trying to fix your problem or tell you you’re imagining things or to just shake it off (you’ve probably already tried shaking it off if you’re heading to your doctor!). If they are listening and supportive – keep them on your mental list of good people to talk to about how your appointments go. Importantly, even if they don’t respond very helpfully (not everyone responds well all the time), if they offer practical help, try to accept it. If they ask what they can do to help, try to let them do something for you. Ask them to baby sit your kids, make you a meal, ring you in a day or a week to see how you are doing, or pick up groceries for you.

Step four: Repeat and keep accepting help that is offered.

At this point, I like to make a MAP. I’m a visual person – a visual learner and a person that relies heavily on lists. A MAP of your circle of support is a visual reminder of what you can do when you’re not feeling great. It can include people to ring and strategies to use. Here’s a template I made if you’d like to try this out!

A map of your circle of support can help you keep track of who is good for what.

Some of your friends and family (through no fault of their own) are just not going to be helpful in certain situations. You need to ring the right person for the right support at the right time. A map helps you make good choices.

PUT YOU in the CENTRE and then people on the outside with their helpfulness (or offers of support) listed underneath. You can even go as far as listing their phone numbers.

Make sure to include people you can call for:

·         Meals – one less meal to make goes a long way! If you live on your own, having a meal made for you might force you to eat at a time where you’ve been struggling to be motivated to make anything for yourself.

·         Laughter – a Laugh out Loud friend will listen to your horror stories but find the humour amongst it and never at your expense. They will help you see the lighter side of life, when it’s important to laugh or else you’d be crying.

·         Medications – someone you can talk to about issues with side effects and interactions. Your Chemist or Doctor are your friend!

·         Serious chats – some people are better with the heavy stuff of life moreso than others.

·         Accountability – someone who will help you stick to your plan, especially things like exercise, eating a wholesome healthy diet and saying yes and no to the right commitments

·         Child care and babysitting – because sometimes being a parent 24/7 is a heavy weight! You need a break sometime before YOU break.

Not everyone in your life is good at everything. Nor should they be. Cut each other some slack and map out who you know is good at what, and good for what sort of support in your life. You are more likely to get what you need when you need it if you’ve thought a bit about this. It should also make asking easier (especially if these people have offered help in the past when you did step 3 – tell people about what is happening!).

Step five: My good friend Chris from Lifelong Leaders says about choosing a mentor (more on this in a coming blog post) – “Work out what you’re missing, then fill the gap”. The same is true of this process. Once you have made a map of your supports and strategies (even if it’s just 1 or 2 people) – have a look at what you’ve got. If you know you have gaps, start keeping your eyes and ears open for people who offer the help you might need. Future you will thank you! Especially when you are stressed out and you know you can call Aunty Gill or Rosie next door, or your Mum friend from school to say “Help!” – and those people are there to fill your gap.

The pathway back to wellness is a windy road, but with a map of resources and strategies, you can make your way back – one day at a time.

Good luck if you’re building a circle of support – I know I feel blessed when I look around my community at the people I have who are part of my team, cheering me on as I strive for wellness again! May your circle be full of family, friends and professionals who have your back too!

It's OK to not be OK

Well friends. I’ve been quiet in the online space.

But my head is another situation entirely! It has not been quiet in there at all. It has been noisy and worried and burdened and troubled and overwhelmed.

Sometimes that internal turmoil spills out into my outside life – but it’s not always how you expect.

Anxiety has sat with me all my life (I’m pretty sure). I like to think about it as a kind of grey crazy cloud. Sometimes it hangs around. Sometimes it sits on my head. Or in my chest. And sometimes it’s far away up in the sky – so far away you can hardly even see it anymore.

I like it when anxiety is far away up in the sky. That’s when I feel light, and positive, and able to live and be productive and do all the things I dream about without anything stopping me. When I’m upstoppable, I really am unstoppable.

But lately, a little tumble weed of circumstances got going in my life that bought my grey crazy cloud of anxiety right down onto my head and into my heart. Firstly it was little things. Lee’s work life being demanding (which had absolutely nothing to do with me, but did effect our home life a little bit). Then a family member completed suicide unexpectedly. Then my son got crazily sick out of the blue and we spent a few nights in hospital with staff buzzing around with words like “lasting neurological damage” and not many promises being made that “he’s ok”. Even now, those assurances are not yet provided by Doctors, even though he seems back to his usual 5 year old self.

And so I got home from the hospital and you would think this is when you’d take a deep breath and let the cloud rise off your head and out of your heart – home is a safe place after all – but no. This is when the crazy cloud really got space to get going. And instead of people seeing that on the outside – the grey cloud actually makes people see less of the real me.

I stopped replying to messages on my phone. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed in the morning, even though 3 children necessitate that. Every day felt like I was dragging not just a fuzzy grey crazy cloud around with me in my heart and on my head, but a lead weight around behind me. You know when I really realised how bad it was (a quick tip – I wasn’t either of the times I had panic attacks!).

It was in the supermarket.

What is with families eating all the food all the time?! And you just have to keep going back there because you need bread again. Or you need milk. Again. And because of the grey cloud and the lead weight I couldn’t organise myself to know more than a few hours in advance what we actually needed for anything. So I was at the supermarket nearly every day. And they ask “How are you?” or “How’s your day going” – and guess what I said: “Not great”. Or “I’m ok”.

You see – I’m not one for fake answers. Never have been. Some people are really put off by that and others love it. But I just can't fake a “Great thanks!” when I’m not great.

And I noticed. I had said I wasn’t good at the Supermarket for 2 weeks. Wowsers. That’s a lot of time. And I wasn’t sleeping. And, oh, I did have a few panic attacks. So I thought, it’s time to go to the Doctor.

Unfortunately I now live in the country and have no new GP yet. It took me 2 days (and a lot of encouragement from 2 particular friends who I managed to still be talking to) to make the appointment. It’s 3 weeks away. I could have seen another preferred GP in August. I even told the receptionist that it was about my mental health and that I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. Still, that’s what I’ve got. It seems unless you are in crisis, it’s pretty hard to see someone quality anytime soon.

I now no longer wonder why or how so many people die from mental health related causes – particularly in regional or rural areas.

The thing about mental health is – you don’t want to speak to a dickhead about it. You don’t want to get the wrong Doctor. And you don’t want to get fobbed off or medicated up or told to toughen up about it. You want the right Doctor. I thought about driving back to Adelaide to see my old Doctor. At least she knows me and I could usually get an appointment within a week. But I know I need to find a new one here eventually anyway.

With all the people around me lately completing suicide and the community struggling with the grief that is left after that happens, I just wanted to say these few things –

It’s ok to not be ok.

We need to speak up when we’re not ok.

(I know it’s hard. Say it anyway.)

It’s OK to ask for help. Even if it’s 3 weeks in coming.

 And community: It’s really important to ask hard questions of each other.

Notice when someone isn’t responding to text messages like usual. Is consistently saying they’re not ok, their day is going bad or things are tough. When they seem low or off or hard to connect with. That’s our cue community to step up: to reach out: to make sure that people aren’t left isolated and alone with a crazy black or grey cloud sitting on their head or heart.

I’m a therapist and I know how to therapize myself with all the strategies under the sun – to work through my anxiety and recover from trauma – but I still need people who say: “Are you ok Anna?”; “How can we help?”.

I don’t want to see another person lost. I’m sick of people slipping through the cracks of health care systems that take 3 weeks to get an appointment. We need to save each other. We need to save ourselves. We need to give ourselves permission to be broken and needy. We need to give ourselves permission to be human and incapable of carrying heavy emotional loads. And when we are there – broken and needy and unable to bear the weight of the crazy grey cloud – we need people to notice; to sit with us; to listen; to bring the meals and love our kids and give us the break we need to just breath and sit in the grey cloud until it lifts.

Because that cloud does lift. Eventually. While we are being loved back to health by people in our community – maybe our GPs, or psychologists, or counsellors, or our friends and family. Even our kids and pets and their hugs and affection.

If you’re sitting under a black or grey cloud right now, or it’s sitting on you – it’s ok to not be ok. Say something to someone – even the checkout operator. Ring the Doctors. Make the appointment. Ask for help. Your community will miss you if you’re gone – and we don’t want to lose anyone else!

Know your story and be ready to share it

Earlier this year my husband gave a cracker of a sermon… it has stuck with me. For many reasons.

One of those reasons is the way the message keeps repeating itself in my life advantageously.

His sermon had the key message of knowing your own story, and being ready to give testimony at any time for the hope that you have.

Right after church that night we went to the playground to let our kids run off their energy – and we met a woman who asked me a question straight away to practice this skill. Naturally I was not ready!

She asked me why we do what we do…. I responded with “Ummmm well….” which gave her enough time to clarify her question. Her question was “Why did you move to the country from the city” - and not the bigger question of “Why do you Pastor a church?”. Thankfully the country move question was an easy one to answer. We love the slower pace, financial affordability and closeness to family.

But the bigger question sat there and I have thought about it ever since. I really should have a good answer for why my husband and I are spending our lives the way we are. It impacts on our children’s lives, and for the most part is hugely counter-cultural.

In my most recent youth work at Ruby’s, we employed narrative therapeutic strategies with young people and their families. I love this kind of work. It is hard and deep but helps us know ourselves in a much more complete way, and gives us non-threatening ways to have power over our own lives, and the opportunity to participate in creating the future of our story.

I love the opportunity to re-write our previous story – understand it in new ways – and move forward with a new story in our lives.

Jesus was all about stories too. He taught through stories all the time and the bible is a sacred text that continues to speak to people through story today.

I’ve been spending a bit of time learning about Martin Luther King Junior this year too. He spoke a lot about the power of words. And his words challenged a nation to rethink the value of each person, regardless of race.

This week I went and spoke at a local women’s event. The organiser asked me to speak about my life and work and all these thoughts were with me. I felt I was finally ready to give testimony about why I do what I do. I spoke about my deep connectedness to Micah 6:8 – to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly. And I spoke about my deep desire so see people live loved, in communities where they find belonging and hope. This is why we Pastor – because we believe in love and we believe in inclusive communities. And this is why I work as a community worker.

Regardless of what we find ourselves called to do vocationally, regardless of what spiritual beliefs we hold, I believe there is power in our words – in being able to give testimony when someone asks you “Why do you do what you do?”.

In business, in community, and in life: to be able to give account and explanation for our choices builds understanding rather than fear in our communities – and builds our shared story of what is important to all of us.

For when I am privileged to hear your story and know you better, and when you hear my story and know me better – our community is united and bonded by our common ground and love for each other.

One of my favourite quotes is “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about”. We do not know the story others are carrying with them. The things they have overcome or are wading through. But we can come to know their stories if we ask. And if we listen.

As a therapist, listening well and asking questions that provide space for people to think about their story and understand it in new ways is the heart of my practice.

If you would like some time or space to think about the story of your life – or the story you would like your life to tell going forward – please contact me!

In the meantime – let’s continue to build communities of understanding, rather than fear. Let’s listen well and know our own story well enough to answer when someone asks us why we do what we do! You have this one life – use it well and use it on purpose!

Boys becoming men

I wasn’t going to write about my experience today until I saw yet another article about another white aging man spouting his opinion on sexual harassment laws – specifically women being subject to verbal harassment in the form of wolf whistling – and that was the end of my rope!

This afternoon as I casually rode my bike home from my kids school after an 11th hour rescue to pack lunch orders – yes, I am just an ordinary mum! – the 2 boys playing near the fence at the primary school closest to my house leaned over and yelled a suggestive “rit reel” (not quite a wolf whistle, but the intent was clear!) in my direction.

I turned and looked – amused as a 33 year old Mum of 3 kids, some the same age as these very boys – and the young lads HID with SHAME – failing as only 8 year old boys can do, trying to hide behind a wire see-through fence.

But it got me thinking from amused curiosity to somewhere close to despair….

I’m 33 years old, post birth of 3 babies – the last of which broke my core muscle formation – and that physical condition combined with my deep love of chocolate, wine, coffee and cake makes me quite the sex goddess in my own home – but probably not by popular media standards or catwalks.

Yet boys under 10 years of age are still growing up considering it funny to subject women to verbal sexual harassment for merely riding past them on a bike. Interestingly – they knew it was somehow inappropriate because they hid after doing it. But that sense of wrong-ness didn’t stop them making that call out in the first place. And I could hear them laugh in the aftermath of me turning and smiling and waving to them.

Now – I know kids aren’t right in the head (see my previous post) – but something is very wrong with the world when young boys are inclined to approach even a mid aged mum as an object to be sexually jeered at.

I did not feel threatened. But I have been made immune to such treatment over the course of my life, like so may women around about me (see my recent facebook post on this topic).

What a challenge we have on our hands here – to raise a new generation of men who respect women, and do not treat them as objects to be leered at, whistled at, sexualised in everyday moments. Riding a bike! In activewear for crying out loud (not even a crop top people, a tee shirt and full length leggings!!).

You, Mr Roberts, are a part of the problem. Do not speak for people who can speak for themselves.

Legislative change is a part of the solution. Women will tell you, if you will listen to them Mr Roberts, that we do not like being whistled at by strangers, treated like dogs or objects to be admired. We are people. We deserve to feel safe – as everyone does.

All my abuse and harassment training has taught me that it is not the intent of the perpetrator that matters, but the perception of the victim. It doesn’t matter if you meant it as a compliment when you whistled at me: if I received that interaction as a threat or harassment, then it was just that!

My daughter deserves to feel safe, walking home, in her community.

My sons will know what it is to treat women respectfully: their Dad role models that to them daily, and I will tell them.

I will tell them: “If you like a girl – tell her. Ring her up, write a note, tell her she’s pretty. Don’t whistle at her like a dog, or make her feel unsafe in public.”

And by golly, don’t you dare grow up to be entitled white men who make statements on behalf of other people who can speak up for themselves – if you will just ask them!

Let’s go community: and make men who make women feel safe and valued.

Steering Canoes

I am doing some work this year on loving my children better.

Those that know me well know that this is going to be a challenge. I have been known to frequently say “I don’t like children”. And that has been true for a very long time. But it has been bought to my attention several times recently that it is perhaps unhelpful for me to keep speaking this truth over my life. After all – I would actually prefer to like my children, and perhaps all children (I know this is a dream right?!).

So, obviously, it is not helpful for my child to hear that I don’t like them (even though often they are not very likeable), and it is also a self-fulfilling prophecy I speak over myself when I say “I do not like children”. I will never like them if I keep saying that. Don’t get me wrong: I love my children very much and tell them that every day.

But I just don’t have a natural affinity to enjoying children. I enjoy teenagers. I always have. Sometimes the especially difficult ones too (hence my background in youth work with homeless and at risk teens in the 12-21 year old bracket). I have learned to love and enjoy the freedom, simplicity and spontaneity (and perhaps absurdity!) of pre-schoolers. Do not hear me wrong: I did not previously like toddlers either. I think I just got better at liking them and interacting with them after 10 years of practice.

So. I am going to practice getting better at ‘kids’. 5-12 year olds. And I hope in the process – learn to enjoy them. For me, enjoying people is deeply rooted in understanding them.

But I have never really understood children.

Reinforcing their inability to be understood was a formational comment I heard in the mid 2010’s by New Zealand child psychologist Nigel Latta - “Kids just aren’t right in the head”.

Of course he’s talking about brain development and how without a fully developed brain, we will perhaps never be able to understand why kids do what they do and kids themselves certainly can’t tell us. They don’t have a language for it and usually don’t know why they are doing anything!

This is the point where my self-improvement needs enter. I’ve been reading some Dr Dan Siegel, recommended to me by my colleague in family reunification counselling at Uniting Communities. Dan is a brilliant man making psychology and brain science accessible for the common parent.

(Despite being highly educated I still consider myself quite an average parent. Seriously – who even knows what they’re doing?! We’re all making it up!)

When I read the first of his metaphors for the role of parent in the book “The Whole Brain Child” – the penny dropped in so many areas of my life.

Dr Dan says we are helping our children navigate their canoe (themselves) down the river of wellbeing. In the middle of the river the flow is easy and moving forward. But the 2 banks of the river represent areas we often get stuck in – chaos or rigidity. When our child moves toward the bank of chaos, everything is…. well…. chaotic! There is no rhyme or reason, everything is going everywhere and when we ask what’s going on they don’t know. The answer to this is often to swing too far back toward the other bank of rigidity – rules, structure and control. But on the bank of rigidity the waters are stagnant. Nothing is moving anywhere and we are trapped by the reeds. Teenagers complain of not being trusted to do anything or go anywhere. Rules, control and rigidity leaves little room for creativity and negotiation and trying new things.

Our job as parents of children, he says, is to move our kids canoes back into the middle of the river of wellbeing – a place where the left and right hemispheres (or logical and emotional sides) of the brain are integrated.

(The rest of the excellent book tells you how to try to do that! A handy refrigerator sheet of overview is found here if you’re not an avid reader.)

How true this is of so much of my helping work - that my core work is helping steer canoes. We all cope like this river/canoe/riverbanks metaphor in many ways – personally or corporately. When we are rolling down the centre of the river of wellbeing we can cope with changes, obstacles up ahead and maybe even a few rapids. But if we get too close to the bank of chaos – things get swirly, messy, and hard to cope with. We will likely crash! Likewise, if we’re stuck insisting on the same old way of doing things, rules without any reason or purpose, obsessive tight fisted control of every little detail, we will find ourselves in stinky stagnant water going no where on the bank of rigidity.

Community workers like me – and aspiring parents! – are all about helping people identify when they have perhaps got their canoe stuck too close to one bank or the other.

It’s a beautiful ride down the river when we can manage to keep our canoes flowing in the middle of the river of wellbeing. Perhaps you can even identify habits in yourself, thoughts or actions, that lead you frequently too close to one bank or the other. The beauty of always learning something new, or understanding our children or other people better, is that it always always always helps us understand ourselves better too.

Enjoy the ride down the river.

Don’t forget to ask for help if you’re stuck in chaos or rigidity.

If you lead an organisation – don’t forget to look for signs that your organisation is sitting in the middle of the river too. A good question to ask is “What does our organisation look like when we are sitting in the centre of the river of wellbeing?”.

It is all too easy to swing one way or the other: a good leader sees when the tip of the canoe points at either bank and gently turns the bow before a collision or stagnation causes a long term hiatus from the free flowing waters of wellbeing.

I’m hoping that understanding my kids' brains better, and my role as a parent of children without fully formed brains, will help me enjoy my children more. Surely rivers and canoes and free flowing waters sounds more fun than times tables and ipads and sports practices and meltdowns.

And hopefully with a few more skills in my kitbag I will be able to enjoy seeing my kids living fully in the centre of their river of wellbeing. As my ability to be compassionate toward my child, husband or self improves, when we find ourselves on either unhelpful river bank, and as we all learn to help steer each other’s canoes back towards the centre of the river, our family will become a more enjoyable place too, I am sure.

One day (maybe a decade from now if experience is anything to go by!) I may even be able to say I like children. And that will be a great day!

It looks a little empty in here...

Watch this space... thoughts are coming soon!